The Things I learned this weekend

I was informed by a Newspaper editor that they would like to consider running articles 0n Prepping but would like to find the “Niche” that we would fit in. They believe they could print more of these articles  thus selling more advertising if it didn’t deal so much in the doom and gloom of reality. There are few times that I have been accused of being way too serious I mean really? have they actually read my articles?

I have always believed that my teaching style has always coupled humor with intelligence. I have even been accused of not being serious enough when I speak. I believe in humor and do not believe people should always be pounded with the doom and the gloom. I mean I am a pirate and what’s not fun loving about a pirate, if you can over look that scurvy dog, dead mans chest and  walking the plank thing. I mean Yo Ho Ho and all dude! I say even a prepared Pirate can still whistle when he works or is that just reserved for the Dwarfs?

So in order to show that we at the Pirates Republic have a funny bone (in our case maybe a funny peg leg) I will gladly share what I have learned this weekend. It is a fun look into my life as I endeavor to clean up the damage the storm caused but first the back story to set this up.

This week we had a wild storm come a ripping through our lovely state and with it came some 65 to 90 mile per hour wind tearing some stuff up baby! There was a considerable amount of damage to trees, buildings and property. So this weekend the clean up begins and so doth the lessons of life.

Hear ye, hear ye! Let it be known to all the newspapers out here that say we Pirates have nay a “tee hee” among us, and are to serious in life. I present this article aptly titled;

“The Things I learned this weekend”

• Monster Zero is the Breakfast of champions!

• Yes, Virginia you can put a chain saw Blade on backwards. The first clue is the smoke and no wood chips.

• Getting a tree to fall where you want it is not as easy as they make it look on t.v.

• Wind is the “Murphy’s Law” of falling trees!

• Yelling “TIMBER” is not as effective as “GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY”!

• That my beautiful and lovely bride looks fantastically wonderful even sweaty and dirt covered. She proved once again that she is no Diva by jumping right into the cleanup effort. We cut down and dug up broken trees. We hauled off branches and debris and through it all she managed to look smoking hot. This fact was not lost on all the passersby tooting their horns to gain her attention obviously not fearing the fella with the chain saw, probably because they knew the blade was on backwards!

• I learned my 11 year old will not miss an opportunity to get into water. Water hose, water bucket, rain water, cups of water and bath water.

• I learned I can work all day with no food but it isn’t pretty!!

• I learned that there is actually an end to a willow tree root. You have to dig an awfully long way to find it but there is an end.

• I learned that there are stress limits to a shovel handle and cedar tree roots will test those levels.

• I should cut a tree down before you plant the one you want to keep so the falling limbs will not crush the new tree that you just planted even though all the geometric calculations you made were spot on!

• I learned my neighbor knows a heck of a lot more about trees than I do!

• Neighbors like to talk about the work; they do not like to actually work.

• Talking waste minutes in the cool of the day.

• I learned how to respectfully disconnect from a conversation when a neighbor pulls up in their air conditioned car , rolled their window down and says hello…….uh you lost me at hello!

• The sun will burn your skin even on cloudy days

• That I should listen to my lovely bride when she recommends that I go put on a shirt or at the very least apply some sun screen!

• Lawn mower tires do go flat for no apparent reason and on that note,

• I learned that trying to teach an 11 year old to back up a riding lawn mower is more difficult in reality than the fantasy world in my head.

• The longer you work out in the heat the more your head turns to mush as well as the contents of your colon.

• I learned that the philosophy of “if you break a shovel handle while trying to pry up a root, go get another shovel and repeat the process” because the first time this strategy was applied it was so damned successful.

• I also learned that shovel handles are not cheap and usually out of stock in the first store you go to.

• Post hole diggers are not shovels!

• If your shirt is tucked in and dirt gets flung down the back of your neck the dirt mixes with the sweat and only goes one place.

• Time flies when you’re having sun!!

• My phone is smarter than I am, it seems to be aware it’s too hot to be out working so unlike me it just quits. Apparently heat drains a cell phone battery.

• It is not a good idea to walk into your air conditioned house for any reason during the work process. Air conditioning seems to be a work progress killer and will absolutely drain the life of any child sent on an errand.

• Some exceptions to the afore mentioned rule are as follows

To get water, a hat, a shirt and or sun screen……oh and most importantly if you need the bathroom because the heat is not agreeing with the breakfast of champions!

• I learned that digging out around the roots and cutting the tap roots of these trees are a lot of work and the Stumps still won’t budge.

• The beast in 4WD and a chain won’t take no for an answer!

• Dragging a freshly removed stump around the neighborhood has a certain measure of satisfaction!

• When your beautiful bride has rang the “works done” bell and you go in be ready for the sudden drain of energy the Air conditioning will exact from you.

• After the shower and someone recommends we watch a movie do not use a radio flyer tricycle as a stool to reach the movies.

• Wrist splints are less expensive at Walmart when compared to CVS and either has them in stock but the clerk did admit they have sold a bunch over the weekend, huh do you think anybody else has tricycle stool that got out of control?

Do not let it be said that there be nothing but folly in our cleanup project. We got plenty done much without incident and at the end of the weekend we planted another tree that we hand grow here at the Pirates Republic. And for we none land lubber types it was a good weekend with many life lessons. Now, go ye and prepare yourselves thar still be a northern a coming and prepared we shall be!

As always if you want to chime in or ask questions then email me at

No Comments Yet.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.